To the broken hearted...you know who you are

Motorcycle Drive By

Summer time and the wind is blowing outside
In lower Chelsea and I don't know
What I'm doing in this city
The sun is always in my eyes
It crashes through the windows
And I'm sleeping on the couch
When I came to visit you
That's when I knew I could never have you
I knew that before you did
Still I'm the one who's stupid
And there's this burning
Like there's always been
I never been so alone
And I've never been so alive

Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by
The cigarette ash flies in your eyes
And you don't mind, you smile
And say the world doesn't fit with you
I don't believe you, you're so serene
Careening through the universe
Your axis on a tilt, you're guiltless and free
I hope you take a piece of me with you

And there's things I'd like to do
That you don't believe in
I would like to build something
But you never see it happen
And there's this burning
Like there's always been
I've never been so alone
And I've, I've never been so alive

And there's this burning
There is this burning
Where's the soul I want to know
New York City is evil
The surface is everything but I could never do that
Someone would see through that
And this is our last time
We'll be friends again
I'll get over you, you'll wonder who I am
And there's this burning
Just like there's always been
I've never been so alone alone
And I've, and I've never been so alive

So alive

I go home to the coast
It starts to rain I paddle out on the water
Alone
Taste the salt and taste the pain
I'm not thinking of you again
Summer dies and swells rise
The sun goes down in my eyes
See this rolling wave
Darkly coming to take me
Home
And I've never been so alone
And I've never been so alive

Third Eye Blind

It Has Been A While

I've had nothing to talk about and nothing to get off my chest for a while now. Quite boring really. I've been so bored lately that I have resorted to some very unique tasks to keep myself entertained. There is a person in this building that is on the same "pee schedule" as me. Meaning that every time I go to the bathroom she is either in there already or she comes in while I'm doing the deed. I have decided (months ago) that when conversing with her that I will only speak in a British accent. I'm talking a bad cockney accent, like I'm Eliza Doolittle trying to explain to Enry Iggins that the rain in Spain falls mainly in the plains. She has to know that it's fake yet I keep up the facade because it makes me chuckle to myself. I tell myself that I am delightful and head back to work. The second thing I do to keep myself amused is to make eye contact with people in cars next to me while I sing at the top of my lungs. Sometimes with my windows open. On a side note, I have come to the realization that I am a kick ass air drummer. Some dude in a pickup told me that last week. I flashed him some cleavage and went on my merry way. That's how I respond to compliments now. Which leads me to weird task number three. Flashing! My girls have been getting a lot of exposure lately. Why? Because I'm proud of them and they like a nice sea breeze from time to time.

Well, with that said I hope this has been entertaining and...well...entertaining.

What Happened?

Some of Ya'll know this and some of ya'll don't. Some of ya'll will like this and some of ya'll won't. What am I saying? I don't know. Let me clear my throat! Uhuh, uhuh, uhuh...God Damn!

Quite a lot has gone down this past month. I hooked up with a good friend, I watched another go through a hard move, I have seen one make a tough decision that took her to another state, and another go beyond her comfort zone. I am honored beyond words to have been a part of each of those scenario's. I have come to the realization, as I do every time I blog, that I have found what I am most good at. I cry everyone else's tears. I feel everyone else's pain. I rarely feel my own. My greatest joy in life is supporting the ones I love the most. Sharing their experiences as though they were my own. Laughing when you laugh, crying when you cry. This responsibility is heavy and I get tired sometimes but I would never trade it for anything in the world. You know why? Because I love you. Because I know when I am lost or manic I can throw it on you and you carry me for a while. I know I can trust you with my most inner thoughts and feelings and you won't judge me and think less of me. It only makes you love me more. You see my flaws and and you embrace them as I do yours.

Thank you, thank you, thank you...For being you.

For My Friend

I'm here for you. You have problems? You have issues? Come to me. I will listen. Chances are I have been through the same thing. I understand you. I know the pain you are feeling. I'll experience it with you if it helps you. You are not alone. You need to yell? You need to scream? Do it. It won't upset me. I can handle it. You want to cry? Do it. I have tissues. I won't judge you. I love you. Knowing you has opened my eyes to things I have never noticed before. It has made me realize that there are people who feel the same things I feel and it's ok to have those feelings. Having you as a friend has made me a better friend. I smile more now that you are in my life. I love you.

I've been battling the forces of evil...

and damn I'm tired. You ever have one of those nightmares that robs you of good sleep for at least 3 days? I have. The other night. I'm still freaked out about it. I was afraid to go to sleep last night because I thought I might have it again. That is not normal for me. I don't have nightmares. I usually have really pleasant happy dreams. Sex dreams mostly. (That's the part of my brain that doesn't like celibacy rebelling against me) We all know those dreams almost always turn out good.

I'm trying to figure out what triggered the dream in the first place. It could be as random as something I saw on TV or read in a book or it could be something deeper. Something my brain is trying to get me to work through or to let go. For example. For the first two years after I left my husband I kept having weird dreams that we had to get married again or that we kept having sex even though we hate each other. They physically made me ill and I was so pissed that they wouldn't stop. My friend told me they were because my brain was cleaning house so to speak. It was getting rid of all the bad memories and feelings I had associated with the marriage. It's true. I never have those dreams anymore. I let it go. Took a long time but it happened.

So what does the new dream mean? Let me explain it first. I basically dreamt that I was performing an exorcism on someone. We were in a group of people. The person was neither male nor female that I can remember. There profile was young but when they looked at me directly they were old. I kept calling for the demon to leave the persons body and when it did it tried to get into mine but I fought it and then I woke up. I was in a strange position that I never sleep in and I had kicked off all my covers and was covered in cold sweat. It scared the crap out of me. I rolled over and immediately texted one of my friends because I knew he was up at that time. I just needed to have a human connection just for a minute. So weird huh? What does it mean. What inner "demons" am I fighting?

I really need to think about this one.

Do I have hat hair?

I've been wearing the celibacy hat a bit to long. It is really starting to mess up my hair. This was never more evident than today when I grabbed one of my girlfriends and made her sit in my lap because I needed human contact. Sounds creepy I'm sure, but heck I don't care! It's the only kind of contact I can have right now. I have incredible will power but damn it's been a while...a long long while. Why can't I use that will power in other aspects of my life? Like when I'm standing in front of a box of doughnuts for example. Why can't I just walk away? I have a theory and it goes as follows. I am expending all my energy on remaining celibate therefore I have no energy left over to get my butt in shape. So I guess it is either give in and lose weight or deny myself and stay chunk. One defiantly out weighs the other now that I look at it in writing. So why stay celibate? Well, I am more focused on my family and personal goals. I feel more in tune with my spirituality and I'm not stressed about anyone cheating on me or catching something nasty from them. Now that I am really thinking about this perhaps in order to be focused on the weight issue I need to redirect my energy. It's all connected. I won't give up celibacy until I find love. I won't find love until I feel good about myself. I won't feel good about myself until I get in shape. I can't believe that I am just realizing this now. Wow this celibacy thing is working after all.

That...freakin kills!

You know what sucks? Liking someone that doesn't like you back. Maybe this sounds far fetched but I have never had feelings for someone that didn't feel the same way about me. I had no idea what that was like until now. This...is not cool. I thought I was immune to this kind of thing. Boy was I wrong. I have to formulate a plan to shake this off. I'm strong, I'm independent...Who am I kidding? I'm a loser. The mere sound of his voice makes my heart skip a beat and want to puke all at the same time. I want to kiss him and then punch him in the face.

Is that normal? Is that healthy to want to punch someone in the face? I mean really punch em in the face. Like a brass knuckle punch. I just want to break like two molars. I think that would make it all better. That takes a lot of force to break molars. I could do it for sure.

I just had an epiphany! (I've always wanted to say that) I have been told what I needed to hear to get over this. Wow! I knew it would hurt but I also feels good. HE DOESN'T LIKE ME! I can't take it personally. We really don't have anything in common. We have a completely different belief system and completely different priority's. We would end up killing each other. I think I fell because he fit into what I thought I wanted which really is not what I want at all. Plus I am noticing that he has a tendency to be attracted to ugly girls and we all know I don't fit into that category. (I'm laughing too)

So in conclusion I will now get over my silly love crush. We are friends and that is good enough for me.

*please not that this blog was purely for my emotional release only. Any redeeming entertainment factors were lost as soon as I started typing. "I apologize to anyone who was offended by my fictional characters...Chrisagon, The Philosopher of Evil, and the Skull Sealer."