For My Friend

I'm here for you. You have problems? You have issues? Come to me. I will listen. Chances are I have been through the same thing. I understand you. I know the pain you are feeling. I'll experience it with you if it helps you. You are not alone. You need to yell? You need to scream? Do it. It won't upset me. I can handle it. You want to cry? Do it. I have tissues. I won't judge you. I love you. Knowing you has opened my eyes to things I have never noticed before. It has made me realize that there are people who feel the same things I feel and it's ok to have those feelings. Having you as a friend has made me a better friend. I smile more now that you are in my life. I love you.

I've been battling the forces of evil...

and damn I'm tired. You ever have one of those nightmares that robs you of good sleep for at least 3 days? I have. The other night. I'm still freaked out about it. I was afraid to go to sleep last night because I thought I might have it again. That is not normal for me. I don't have nightmares. I usually have really pleasant happy dreams. Sex dreams mostly. (That's the part of my brain that doesn't like celibacy rebelling against me) We all know those dreams almost always turn out good.

I'm trying to figure out what triggered the dream in the first place. It could be as random as something I saw on TV or read in a book or it could be something deeper. Something my brain is trying to get me to work through or to let go. For example. For the first two years after I left my husband I kept having weird dreams that we had to get married again or that we kept having sex even though we hate each other. They physically made me ill and I was so pissed that they wouldn't stop. My friend told me they were because my brain was cleaning house so to speak. It was getting rid of all the bad memories and feelings I had associated with the marriage. It's true. I never have those dreams anymore. I let it go. Took a long time but it happened.

So what does the new dream mean? Let me explain it first. I basically dreamt that I was performing an exorcism on someone. We were in a group of people. The person was neither male nor female that I can remember. There profile was young but when they looked at me directly they were old. I kept calling for the demon to leave the persons body and when it did it tried to get into mine but I fought it and then I woke up. I was in a strange position that I never sleep in and I had kicked off all my covers and was covered in cold sweat. It scared the crap out of me. I rolled over and immediately texted one of my friends because I knew he was up at that time. I just needed to have a human connection just for a minute. So weird huh? What does it mean. What inner "demons" am I fighting?

I really need to think about this one.

Do I have hat hair?

I've been wearing the celibacy hat a bit to long. It is really starting to mess up my hair. This was never more evident than today when I grabbed one of my girlfriends and made her sit in my lap because I needed human contact. Sounds creepy I'm sure, but heck I don't care! It's the only kind of contact I can have right now. I have incredible will power but damn it's been a while...a long long while. Why can't I use that will power in other aspects of my life? Like when I'm standing in front of a box of doughnuts for example. Why can't I just walk away? I have a theory and it goes as follows. I am expending all my energy on remaining celibate therefore I have no energy left over to get my butt in shape. So I guess it is either give in and lose weight or deny myself and stay chunk. One defiantly out weighs the other now that I look at it in writing. So why stay celibate? Well, I am more focused on my family and personal goals. I feel more in tune with my spirituality and I'm not stressed about anyone cheating on me or catching something nasty from them. Now that I am really thinking about this perhaps in order to be focused on the weight issue I need to redirect my energy. It's all connected. I won't give up celibacy until I find love. I won't find love until I feel good about myself. I won't feel good about myself until I get in shape. I can't believe that I am just realizing this now. Wow this celibacy thing is working after all.